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Scarred for life... Thanks.
Bitched on: Monday, April 10, 2006
Time: 4/10/2006 05:58:00 PM
I re-read my previous blog entry and boy, it sounds disturbing. Time: 4/10/2006 05:58:00 PM
I was really in a depressed mood when I was typing it. It kinda makes me sound like a cry baby. Haha...
Which is very unlike me. Haha... My friends can vouch for me.
Rite...
Goes to show you behind this confident smile is a melancholic shadow of me.
I have received overwhelming well wishes and advice from my friends. A friend from Australia even called me to say, "Goodday, mate." (OK, she didn't exactly say that) but some words of encouragement. Thanks Rowds, but when my phone bill comes, I'll mail it to you. Cheers babe.
Others sent me countless of SMSes and messages on my MSN and tagboard (even complete strangers), lotsa 'Dun worry about your pimples. More worry, more pimples' and 'you look fine' and 'its your personality that counts'.
And I got a lot of recommendations on other skin products and skin specialists and stuff from you guys and gals.
I will (sigh...) try it out. Thanks.
Thanks for all the support but like I said, I just wanted to lighten the weight on my chest (or lighten the scars on my face...erm...) and nothing else.
I'm not trying to gain sympathy from those previously unaware of my plight, neither do I want you to feel bad about teasing me all these years.
Its what I feel and think all this years when I had had to smile awkwardly at jokes, shy away from stares and freeze during conversations about my skin.
I feel better having written it down. Just slightly better but better nevertheless.
To let people know I am not always the overly-confident, amiable, 'flirty' and extroverted friend they think I am, however, I do have a huge flaw which is my low self-esteem. And that's just who I am. That's my baggage, I guess.
But I won't lie by saying the situation has improved so much. Cause I still do feel that way. I do feel ugly outside. My friends have told me otherwise but I don't feel that way. Its just me... Can't help the way I feel.
Maybe I will feel better about myself one day.
Yes, I know my complexion will improve. But I will have to wait. And I am tired of waiting, ya know what I mean?
Sadly, it will take years for the scars to recuperate. Trust me when I say that I have done a lot of research on acne, acne scars and the possible surgeries (laser, chemical peel...) on the Internet, from skin specialists and other doctors. I have been watching my diet and drinking lots of water (the common advice from friends... but I know, I have been drinking A LOT).
And acne scars will almost never heal (entirely) on its own. Famous examples of Singaporean TV personalities with acne scars include Gurmit Singh, Adrian Pang and Mark Lee. They are well into their thirties but are still plagued with pockmarked faces. And I don't wanna look like that when I'm older. I really don't.
I can honestly relate to the song, "Beautiful" by Christina 'Slutty' Aguilera.
But this time, the tormentors are much worst - myself.
I have my own definition of who or what is beautiful or good-looking, and I feel that I don't look that way. Don't blame it on TV, magazines or the media (though they did have an influence on how I define beauty), I blame it on me (for being weak and susceptible to the influence).
I'm shallow, narcissistic, envious and vain. These are like my 4 deadly sins.
I don't exactly feel better thanks to shows like Extreme Makeover that shows people who have been 'transformed', the 'before' and 'after' pictures of people using some endorsed facial products and the promises of 'acne-free' life from facial products advertisements. Not to mention those pushy salespersons shoving the skincare products they are endorsing in your face in pharmacies or the skincare department in shopping centres and they will just simply irritate you with their constant promises to clearer skin. They just give me more false hopes that I could be that way (at the expense of me forking out more money)...
You can never escape the pressure to look better and girls are not only the victims here. Guys too..
You might ask, "But Shazi, why do want to look better? When you make it up in all other areas."
Ask yourself this first. Who doesn't want to look normal?
Cause I do.
"...Now and then, I get insecure.
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed..."
- Beautiful by Christina
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