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No pain, no gain...
Bitched on: Friday, May 11, 2007
Time: 5/11/2007 09:45:00 PM
Stupid blogger.com is still not fixed yet. Why?!!Time: 5/11/2007 09:45:00 PM
So I'm just gonna blog. Dunno if this will get published... But I need to blog! I'm super bored. Blog-therapy.
Been having a bout of low self esteem all of a sudden. I just loathe looking at myself in the mirror. Don't ask me why... I just do. I feel ugly...
What a 21st-century-guy to do?
Go for a facial.
The first... in almost a year for me. I lost my way looking for the place in Orchard Road (I need more brain food... such a himbo).
Decided to try something else other than the usual exfoliation and facial steam.
Microdermabrasion (I think its spelt that way...).
Painful as hell.
Its like a cross between a vacuum cleaner and a sander. Whatever is scrapped off the skin is sucked away.
Ouch.
I have had a few surgeries in my life: my lower lip operation and my many (four to be exact) wisdom teeth extraction surgeries. Mind you, I was awake for all the surgeries (thank God for local anaesthesia). I heard every breaking teeth and the drill drilling into my mouth. I felt the knife slicing into my flesh and every prick of the needle stitching me up. But none could prepare me for microdermabrasion. I was digging my right pinkie into my chest to take away the pain from my face.
Did it work? Was my self esteem restored after that?
Maybe the complementary massage helped a bit.
But my face was devoid of any facial expressions after that for the next few hours...
It felt like I had taken botox.
Haha... Another stupid entry. Muahaha...
PS: I found a solution to the problem (something was wrong with the 'create post' page; the icons were all over the page and some links didn't work).
Solution: Just add a 2 to the http://www.blogger.com/post-edit... to make it http://www2.blogger.com/post-edit... Refresh the page after that. Everything should be fine. Its inconvenient but it works. Been snooping around and I found out it only affects Singaporean bloggers using Singnet. I hope blogger.com will do something about this.
Labels: acne, aesthetic surgeries, personal
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To blog or not to blog?
Bitched on: Saturday, October 14, 2006
Time: 10/14/2006 12:13:00 AM
AIYOH!!!!Time: 10/14/2006 12:13:00 AM
This has been the longest time since I last blogged.
I'm so sorry to all my fans (like real... lol).
Maybe I should just close this blog down like what some of my friends did with theirs... hmmm...
But I will disappoint a lot of people (get a grip lah, Shazi... lol).
And I have been so swamped with work, I barely have time to even go online. And when I do, its just to do research; how nerdy is that? (mugging JC days all over again)
Speaking of work, I have this really major assignment due in a couple of weeks. I won't be so free to blog till then...
Typical life of an architecture student.
Sleep deprivation. Part and parcel of the course.
Haiz...
I miss blogging (technically its just me whinning and bitching).
Speaking of whinning, let me whine, I am so skinny now!
Fasting away all my fats (yay!) and all my not-so-much-in-the-first-place-muscle-mass (boo!).
I am so sure, I'm under 55kg now. Argh!!!!
All the attempts to go over 60 wasted...
And speaking of fasting, its gonna be Hari Raya all over again. So fast sia...
I can't wait.
Haiz... but its not going to be the same anymore, with my grandma's worsening condition (see previous blog entry) and all.
Haiz... with all the worrying ...and working through the night, no wonder I'm having another breakout.
That's about all. Erm... nothing really interesting to blog about.
But here's a thought, the next time you see a young Malay family (those type with the guy covered with tattoos and the couple looking too young to start a family in the first place), try to see if my friend's hypothesis is true; the minah (the Malay lady) will most of the time be leisurely strolling ahead with a pissed-off-looking Mat (the Malay guy) behind her pushing their child on a stroller.
True? I have just seen at least two of that kind of couple today... Haha...
Labels: acne, personal, school
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Slack Day
Bitched on: Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Time: 8/08/2006 03:33:00 PM
Warning: May contain graphic and disturbing pictures and content.Time: 8/08/2006 03:33:00 PM
Today is supposed to be my flag day.
Sigh...
Still feeling sickish...
Though I was so 'looking forward' to going around asking complete strangers for donations (and more than half the time getting rejected), I was glad I got to sleep in today.
Actually, I woke up bright and early today, washed-up and had breakfast. I changed my mind as I was about to step out of my house, shivering uncontrollably.
I have to admit, there still is an overwhelming guilt in me about not doing this to help the less fortunate community.
I felt very selfish lah... Guilty as charged.
That's just me.
I won't say I'm a freaking saint.
But I do feel the need to do everything, anything, despite what I'm feeling or going through.
I would like to quote Monica (from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.) who said, "I have an uncontrollable urge to please people."
lol.
That show cracks me up. I love F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
Anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk about.
I'm beginning to worry about the deteriorating opinionated state of my blog entries.
Gone are the days of fiery debates and eye-catching 'headlines'.
Reading previous entries, my blog has become like one of those I-did-this-today-blah-blah-blah blogs...
So boring.
At least I'm not the I-ate-this-today-kinda-blog...
And then there will be the pictures of what I ate... chocolate cake lah, spaghetti lah, sushi lah...
(If you are doing this, get a life, we don't need to know what you ate)
Speaking of chocolate cake, I made a bloody one yesterday.
If you are thinking the toilet-bowl-kind, then you are brilliant.
Haha...
On a serious note, remember my bloody stool episodes?
Because of the new drug I'm taking for my complexion, I have rectal bleeding occasionally.
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And yesterday, was like the worst. It didn't just trickle, it gushed out. So bad, I was a bit woozy when I saw the red in the toilet bowl. I think the bleeding was made worst by my fever and heatiness.
So I went to the doctor in school.
Who was suspiciously a bit eager to pull down my pants and do an ehem... anal probe on me. I turned him down, explaining that I was 'on the pill' (that causes the bleeding).
That didn't stop him from prescribing a do-not-swallow-this-pill (if you know what I mean) medication.
He said I might have piles...
Wah...
That's quite serious right?
Well, I won't know for certain until next week when I'm seeing him again to renew my prescription.
And I'm damn sure he won't put the anal probing thingy to rest...
Labels: acne, personal, school
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Busy, busy, busy...
Bitched on: Saturday, August 05, 2006
Time: 8/05/2006 09:00:00 PM
I've been busy.Time: 8/05/2006 09:00:00 PM
That's like on almost every entry in my blog, I know.
And also my friends' too.
This is the 'season' to be busy.
School is starting.
Camps here and there.
Bid this, bid that.
GEM? SS? Core? CCA? Hall?
Rag. Rag. Rag.
Dance, float, dance, float...
I feel so overstretched.
But that's me.
I'm a workaholic I think.
Pile on the workload. Keep it coming...
Proof?
My face is like a warzone now.
Outbreak.
Lack of sleep. AGAIN.
I feel like I have totally ignored my appearance now (haven't shave in days, and my lips are peeling, see previous entry).
I met a friend (whom I haven't seen for a year) at my matriculation fair.
And after exchanging pleasantries and the occasional insults, he leaned over and lowered his voice (but loud enough for people around us to hear), "Eh, you better do something about your face. (we are) No longer in the Army, no (need for) camo cream anymore."
I was dumbfonded. Here was a friend I haven't seen in almost a year...
I could have come up with a better comeback and insult the ass of him back (if you are reading this, you moron, you are a moron, but we are still friends though).
What did I say to that?
I mumbled, "Erm... erm... actually camo cream is scientifically proven to be good for the skin."
Dumbass...
Speaking of meeting people at school, I met my cousin.
Whom I took a good 5 minutes to recognise and register in my (not-working-so-well) brain that we are related.
She saw me, waved and chatted excitedly to me for roughly a couple of minutes before heading to another group of friends.
Yes, I took a while after she left to recognise her!
All the while she was talking to me, I had a fake smile plastered on my idiotic grinning face.
Crapping my way through the conversation...
And who can blame me, she looked different! Unrecognisable!
I have always seen her wearing the tudung and she wasn't back then. Don't get me started about her make-up...
Any thicker and it could have flaked off.
That's so mean...
She wasn't the only one I couldn't recognise.
Just a week into school, I have bumped into many many friends (from different stages of my life) who would call out my name with ease.
And I would be stumped with theirs. So I'll just smile. Again with the idiotic grinning face.
I'm making a lot of friends, thankfully, so many that a new friend was surprised when I knew almost half the people in my school.
I won't say I'm Mr Popular, cause I really am not.
I feel like I am the buddy.
Looking back, I think I have almost been fortunate to be the close friend of some Mr or Miss Populars.
In a way I'm the sidekick. People remember me.
Anyway, I'm blessed with the charm (ehem...)
Plus I'm calling myself Shazi now.
Simply because people find it hard to pronounce my actual name, Shaziran.
You just put a 'ran' at the back and people will somehow call you Sharizan.
Go figure...
Shazi is a unique name, easy to remember.
So unique, when I introduce myself, out of ten, half will ask if that's my actual name.
But back to friends, I suddenly find myself surrounded by friends again.
Finally human contact.
And I even caught the fever from a friend...
Yay!
Pathetic, I know.
If you have read my previous entries, there was a time when I felt really low and lonely.
But now, things are falling into place.
Old friends, new friends.
New school.
Old memories, new experiences.
Old Shaziran, a new Shazi.
Labels: acne, architecture, RAG, school
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Gimme the drugs...
Bitched on: Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Time: 8/02/2006 01:00:00 AM
Argh!!!!!!!!!!Time: 8/02/2006 01:00:00 AM
Headache!!!
And I'm extremely irritable nowadays.
Ever since I started taking the drug my twinny recommended to me.
Nimegan...
This anti-acne pill.
I have to say my face is less oily now, even after a whole day out.
But according to my skin doctor, I would have a small break-out initially before everything clears out.
A small breakout?
Try the formation of the Himalayas fast forwarded over a million years.
And I have been 'menstruating' like nobody's business...
My doctor said it was part of the side effects.
Rectal bleeding.
NOT menstruation.
Instead of stools, blood comes trickling out.
I'm used to this cause back in school when I was stressed or before I have a fever, I would bleed too.
But now, because of the drug, I have the bleeding almost everytime I crap...
TMI...
Too much information, I know!
lol...
And another obvious side effect is my dry parched lips.
Its so freaking bad that I've used up two lip balms in a month!
My skin and eyes are also much much dryer.
I can't wear my contact lens without getting sore eyes at night when I take them out.
And my friends have noticed that I am fairer than I originally am.
Cause my doctor told me to avoid the sun.
That's an easy advice (good excuse for not going for soccer with the guys).
I have been brought up by my mum (since young) to scurry for shade or heck, use the umbrella when the sun gets a bit erm.. sunny.
So princess-y.
But then, I have to turn down some weekends of swimming in the pool or 'tanning' outings to Sentosa.
Not only that, I have been having this horrible headache that hits me like an anvil.
I have never had this kind.
Its not the dizzy kind, but the really heavy pressing on the brain kind...
Argh!!!!!
And add to that the racket when I'm trying to sleep!
A bloody getai show has sprung up beside my house!
I know we have to be tolerant about one another beliefs but this is TOO MUCH!
Its just as much for wandering spirits as it is for fugly chikopeks who lust over scantily clad sweet young things gyrating on stage under blaring techno lights (try saying that in one breath).
And my overhead fan!!!!
It sounds like its about to drop on my sleeping head any night now!!!!
I need to sleep!
Argh!!!!!
PS: Its about time Emilee got kicked out of Singapore Idol.
The 'hungry ghosts' getai shows are now on...
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Scarred for life... Thanks.
Bitched on: Monday, April 10, 2006
Time: 4/10/2006 05:58:00 PM
I re-read my previous blog entry and boy, it sounds disturbing. Time: 4/10/2006 05:58:00 PM
I was really in a depressed mood when I was typing it. It kinda makes me sound like a cry baby. Haha...
Which is very unlike me. Haha... My friends can vouch for me.
Rite...
Goes to show you behind this confident smile is a melancholic shadow of me.
I have received overwhelming well wishes and advice from my friends. A friend from Australia even called me to say, "Goodday, mate." (OK, she didn't exactly say that) but some words of encouragement. Thanks Rowds, but when my phone bill comes, I'll mail it to you. Cheers babe.
Others sent me countless of SMSes and messages on my MSN and tagboard (even complete strangers), lotsa 'Dun worry about your pimples. More worry, more pimples' and 'you look fine' and 'its your personality that counts'.
And I got a lot of recommendations on other skin products and skin specialists and stuff from you guys and gals.
I will (sigh...) try it out. Thanks.
Thanks for all the support but like I said, I just wanted to lighten the weight on my chest (or lighten the scars on my face...erm...) and nothing else.
I'm not trying to gain sympathy from those previously unaware of my plight, neither do I want you to feel bad about teasing me all these years.
Its what I feel and think all this years when I had had to smile awkwardly at jokes, shy away from stares and freeze during conversations about my skin.
I feel better having written it down. Just slightly better but better nevertheless.
To let people know I am not always the overly-confident, amiable, 'flirty' and extroverted friend they think I am, however, I do have a huge flaw which is my low self-esteem. And that's just who I am. That's my baggage, I guess.
But I won't lie by saying the situation has improved so much. Cause I still do feel that way. I do feel ugly outside. My friends have told me otherwise but I don't feel that way. Its just me... Can't help the way I feel.
Maybe I will feel better about myself one day.
Yes, I know my complexion will improve. But I will have to wait. And I am tired of waiting, ya know what I mean?
Sadly, it will take years for the scars to recuperate. Trust me when I say that I have done a lot of research on acne, acne scars and the possible surgeries (laser, chemical peel...) on the Internet, from skin specialists and other doctors. I have been watching my diet and drinking lots of water (the common advice from friends... but I know, I have been drinking A LOT).
And acne scars will almost never heal (entirely) on its own. Famous examples of Singaporean TV personalities with acne scars include Gurmit Singh, Adrian Pang and Mark Lee. They are well into their thirties but are still plagued with pockmarked faces. And I don't wanna look like that when I'm older. I really don't.
I can honestly relate to the song, "Beautiful" by Christina 'Slutty' Aguilera.
But this time, the tormentors are much worst - myself.
I have my own definition of who or what is beautiful or good-looking, and I feel that I don't look that way. Don't blame it on TV, magazines or the media (though they did have an influence on how I define beauty), I blame it on me (for being weak and susceptible to the influence).
I'm shallow, narcissistic, envious and vain. These are like my 4 deadly sins.
I don't exactly feel better thanks to shows like Extreme Makeover that shows people who have been 'transformed', the 'before' and 'after' pictures of people using some endorsed facial products and the promises of 'acne-free' life from facial products advertisements. Not to mention those pushy salespersons shoving the skincare products they are endorsing in your face in pharmacies or the skincare department in shopping centres and they will just simply irritate you with their constant promises to clearer skin. They just give me more false hopes that I could be that way (at the expense of me forking out more money)...
You can never escape the pressure to look better and girls are not only the victims here. Guys too..
You might ask, "But Shazi, why do want to look better? When you make it up in all other areas."
Ask yourself this first. Who doesn't want to look normal?
Cause I do.
"...Now and then, I get insecure.
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed..."
- Beautiful by Christina
Labels: acne
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Scarred for life...
Bitched on: Saturday, April 08, 2006
Time: 4/08/2006 12:47:00 AM
I stared for hours at the computer screen before I finally typed these words.Time: 4/08/2006 12:47:00 AM
Tears rolling down my cheeks... hand clutching a wet tissue.... salty mucus dripping into my mouth... I feel horrible...
Why am I feeling this way?
My sis had just said something so seemingly insignicant to some, a minute comment, a passing remark, a harmless tease... Usually I would not have been offended by what she had said but clearly enough is enough.
I was showing her a picture of this guy who I thought looked similarly to me and I joked that he was my twin. My sister then joked to say, "Ya. He's the good-looking twin and you're the ugly pimply one. Haha. Pimple face."
Usually I could always make a good bitchy comeback but whenever someone teases me about my scarred pimply skin, I would be dumbfounded, my whole 'defense' mechanism would shut down and I would begin to withdraw as if I was crawling away to hide in a corner.
I went to my bed and tried to sleep but my mind just kept replaying the words she said to me.
Trust me, this is not the first time she said that to me. I have been called worst. Pimples. Pimple boy. Polka Dot face. Moon face. Everything and anything nasty.
And usually I wouldn't be bothered but because of my insomnia (I have been having that for the past 2 weeks now), the words kept ringing and ringing in my head until it came to a certain point when I just cried. I brokedown in my bed.
I was trying to do the manly thing you know, tried to keep it silent, stifling my cries, trying to control it. But I lost it.
I sobbed.
And sobbed as if I lost the most precious thing in the world to me.
So this was the time when I sat in front of my computer and turned it on and wrote this, still crying...
It pains me to talk about my skin and now I feel ready to talk.
I have always withdrawn from conversations when skin or complexion is invovled. I will keep quiet when my friends lament about a recent zit they have on their otherwise blemished-free skin. I will always turn speechless when people ask me about my skin condition. And I will always smile awkwardly when some friends make rude jokes about my acne. But it always pains me inside. Don't they care?
Its not fair.
Its not my fault I look this way. Or is it?
Is it because of what I eat? What I did or didn't do?
Is it because I don't wash my face often or because I over-do it?
Is it because I picked my pimples when I was younger (I honestly was clueless at that time and also thanks to my eldest sis who always 'pops' my pimples and I developed the habit as I grew older)?
Is it because of my genes?
What?
What's wrong with me?
Is it me?
Its not fair.
That I have to spend more effort and money on my skin.
That I have to watch what I eat.
That I can't enjoy fried or spicy food without worrying if I might have a large zit the next day.
Or that I have to cleanse my face more often than others, otherwise I would feel uncomfortable and oily each time I didn't.
That I need to spend hundreds of dollars on facial products, cleanser, exfoliant, skin rejuvenating cream or benzoyl peroxide creams (you name it, I have it) every month.
Or spend thousands on facials in facial spas or skin centres (which you will end up paying more when you buy their products that they 'promise' will help you).
Is it fair that I have to fork out an additional 60 dollars to buy medication from my doctor every single month.
(I think I could have spent close to S$2000 annually on all these products for the past 10 years or so...) Tell me is it fair?
People will just think that I have been idling my time away as my skin condition worsens when in reality they don't know how much effort and money I have spent to prevent it from deteriorating further.
Its not fair.
Watching people with clear skin having so much higher self esteem than me, chatting confidently with strangers, smiling like the world owes them a living.
That I am always feeling insecure about how I look when I take pictures up close. Or that I have to spend longer time to groom and conceal all those zits.
Or that I am always stared at by other people. Like a freak in a freakshow.
Is it fair that I have low confidence in approaching girls, to do anything for that matter?
Or knowing that nobody would kiss me on my oily pimply cheeks.
Its not fair.
That I have to be at the butt of the joke of my so-called friends about my complexion. I know I look horrible. You don't have to point it out...
From the subtle, "I don't want to pick my zit otherwise I would look like Shazi," to the trying-to-be-helpful-but-really-you-are-not, "I think its in the genes cause I saw your dad and he looks like you too," to the plain nasty, "All those oxy cream is not helping you, give up lah. Your face liddat (like that). Why still using?"
Now, its really not fair.
To add to my acne scars, I have chicken pox scars.
Horribly scarring the skin on my torso and arms, not to mention my already disfigured face.
This time I really feel like showering with acid to melt my skin away.
Recently, I had mustered the courage to go to gym wearing a singlet instead of my T-shirt.
And that would be the last time I'll be wearing singlets to anywhere for that matter.
Because while I was changing in the washroom, I overheard a couple of Malay guys talking about my scarred body (...in Malay), unaware that I was also Malay and I could understand them, every single word. At first I saw one gesturing to the other with his eyes to look at me. They laughed and then the one who noticed first asked the other guy what was wrong with me. Not wanting to hear anymore, I scurried out of the changing room, obviously embarassed. I felt like I had a disease, you know? I felt like I was in a way being discriminated against. I felt humiliated.
Tell me is this fair?
There was this young nephew of mine who rubbed his palms on my cheeks and ask me blatantly, "What is wrong with your face? Why do you look different? You are so rough." I explained it to him that I had pimples.
That night, I cried myself to sleep (I'm such a crybaby, I know)...
And now he asks a different question, one I don't have the answer to, "Izan, why do you have so many pimples?"
And he asks that every single time he rubs my cheeks again or kisses me on the cheek. And my eyes will water slightly when I reply, "I don't know."
On the eve of the past 10 birthdays of my life, I have always prayed to God for the same thing.
To grow taller and to have clear skin. After I turned 17 (and I know its scientifically proven that humans stop growing and I can never grow any taller), I've still been clinging to the hope that when I wake up the next morning my skin would be all fine and I would look normal. Every single morning of my birthday, I will wake up feeling cheated and stupid as I look at myself in the mirror. And I will ask God, "God... why am I still ugly? It is not fair..."
Even though I believe in the 'beauty is only skin deep' rubbish, I can't help to think that these scars have not only scarred me on the outside, it has left deeper scars within me.
I don't need you (my friends) to take pity on me as I am writing this not to gain your sympathy or understanding, I'm writing this primarily because I want to.
You don't have to feel sorry for me in anyway, because I already do feel sorry for myself.
"I sobbed.
And sobbed as if I lost the most precious thing in the world to me."
My pride.
Labels: acne
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