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Life before death.
Bitched on: Friday, October 13, 2006
Time: 10/13/2006 11:54:00 PM
You must have you seen the Singapore Hospice Council advertisement on TV.Time: 10/13/2006 11:54:00 PM
The one with Mr Mohammad Abdooh, a lung cancer patient.
He is 46-years-old and is in the last stages of his cancer.
With his unfaltering gaze into the camera, the brave man invites you to join him in his last days via a video blog thingy;
Life before death.
The reason as to why I blog about this is because of my grandma.
As bad as this sounds, I know and feel that she too is living her last remaining days.
She has been in and out of the hospital for the past month.
She is too weak to walk. Not even with a walking cane. She complains of pains in her joints, her back and her hips.
And she no longer eats anything, she just drink fluids (even that is difficult to make her do). And that is really troubling.
She (to be a frank) is and will always be a stubborn strong-willed matriach. So its hard to get her to eat or drink anything.
And her frame has shrunk so much, she looks like a baby the last time I saw her on her hospital bed. It was really an emotional sight.
And that's not all, the last I heard, she can't recognise people anymore, just maybe her own children but not her grandchildren... (does she remember me?)
Sigh...
She is my only living grandparent.
My maternal grandma passed away when I was young and both my grandfathers passed away way before I was born.
Kinda sad thing cause the only memories I have of the latter two are black and white pictures which really don't show much of their faces (badly taken candid shots).
I feel for my Daddy. He calls my aunt every night to check on my grandma now.
The last time we went to her house, my Dad was really... I dunno... I 'felt' him, how he was feeling, from his body language, like he wanted to spend every waking second with her... I dunno... I tried to put myself in his shoes... and it was heartwarming... my Dad and his Mum (oh man, I'm starting to tear thinking of it). And I was also feeling it... Like I was going to miss her... and that was sad...
Sigh...
I haven't had anyone close to me pass away since my maternal grandma who passed away peacefully (and suddenly) while watching my young cousins playing and that was close to a decade ago. And to see my paternal grandma's health deterioating... her failing memory... its just hard.
I know this sounds wrong but I have always taken her for granted in a way... I had always thought, she is my grandma, period, that's all. I admit we are not THAT close but its like the typical Asian thing; she knows I love her, I know she loves me. We don't hug or anything, no physical expression of love nor verbal expression.
The only time she does is when she kisses me on my cheeks everytime I 'salam' (greet her) her. She's the only other person other than my Mum who kisses me on my pimply cheeks, sigh... And I 'hate' that cause I am so self-conscious... I just feel like... I dunno... sigh...
Or when she looks at me. I dunno... I just feel like she's proud of me or something... Cause maybe I'm like her best-looking grandson (ehem... you should see my cousins...) or I'm the only one to make it to university... I doubt she understands what universities are in the first place, but I have always thought she saw me as her favourite, being the youngest grandchild...
But there would be none of that anymore.
She will be gone.
I will miss her...
But yet its hard for me to see her now, how she is...
I hope she can stay, to see her again, especially on Hari Raya (probably her last one).
But for now, we are just dreading that call, from my aunt.
Sigh...
Labels: grandma, personal, Singapore stories
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