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The reason why.
Bitched on: Friday, December 01, 2006
Time: 12/01/2006 08:33:00 PM
Ok...Time: 12/01/2006 08:33:00 PM
Some of you know I wasn't feeling myself for the past week.
Some of my friends cared to noticed and some people didn't.
To those I have 'upsetted', I am 'sorry' (though I really felt none of my sarcasm or bitching was directed at anyone...). To those whom I ignored their SMSes, I'm terribly sorry cause I have had my phone switched off for most of the time.
This week has been hell for me.
Firstly, I 'contemplated' suicide.
Seriously, when your mind is a mess for a split second, your world crumbles. And just for that split second, you say things. And you want to do things to get the 'attention'.
But that didn't mean the thought of slashing my wrist or flinging myself out of the window was just to seek attention; and neither am I saying I wasn't thinking of the consequences.
I just was...
So here I am now. Alive and barely out of this 'depression'.
What kick-started all this crap?
Hmmm... Here's a summary.
Well, first it was my almost-existing-only-to-have-it-thrown-back-to-my-face-'love-life'.
Then it was the holiday-to-Krabi-that-never-was.
Add to that, feeling of 'hatred' against my ever-controlling "but-you're-still-our-baby"-parents.
A pinch of exam stress (which I am so going to fail).
And a whole lot of 'running away from home'.
Yeah, you heard me right.
I ran away from home (for just a weekend; from Friday to Sunday night...).
Quite pathetic right?
Stayed over (and get to study) in school. Slept in my studio.
Had a huge row with my mum (and dad) about going to Krabi.
She said 8 days there was too long.
I said I was 21.
She thought it was too far and Thailand was not safe with all the tsunamis and all (that was years ago... grrrr....).
I said I was 21.
She said it was expensive.
I said I would pay everything myself. And yes, I said I was 21.
I didn't see their problem at that time (and I still don't). But that Friday morning I gave her the ultimate cold shoulder treatment.
She started her nagging again and went all teary-eyed, calling me ungrateful after what my parents had given and done for me.
OF COURSE I FELT FUCKING GUILTY.
But I went out of the house. Quietly. Still not saying a word. But breaking down at the flight of my stairs.
You must be reading this at this point and must be thinking, "OMG Shazi, grow up. How could you make your mother cry? You horrible horrible ingrate. You are the worst son in the whole wide world."
I know.
And that's when I thought of killing myself.
To 'ease' my parents' 'burden'. I felt so bad making my mum cry, I felt like my whole world was crumbling...
That's not the worst part.
Honestly, a part of me 'hated' them.
I would be lying to myself if I didn't say I was frustrated with them and wanted them to feel 'guilty'.
Sure, they 'pamper' me with 'everything' I 'wanted' but they never gave what I 'needed' the most- my FREEDOM.
I hated them for not giving me this freedom. Its not the first time I wanted to go some place; and its not the first time they 'shut me off' like that.
I really don't get it. If my female friend get to go to Europe backpacking with her girlfriend, WHY CAN'T I go to this stupid trip?
Tell me, is it fair that some of my friends get to go holidaying (of course with their parents' 'sponsorship') when I CAN'T EVEN GO ON TO THIS TRIP WITH MY OWN STINKING MONEY?
WHAT THE FUCK????????
I am still fucking pissed off. I hate them. I am still not on 'normal' talking terms with them (I would just grunt or just shut up when they talk to me and they would later give up trying). And they are so freaking nicer to me now. Especially my mum, pretending like all this never happened. And I hate all that niceness and attention - makes me feel so much worst than I already am.
I KNOW I'M LIKE THE MOST INGRATEFUL SON IN THE WORLD FUCKING WORLD.
And I hate that. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to rebel so much. TO GO AGAINST THEM FOR ONCE.
I want to dye my hair without telling them one of this days. And pierce my ear (left earlobe... no more right ear jokes...ass). They were against it a month ago when I suggested it to them. That would be a perfect way to rebel.
TO HELL WITH IT.
I am going to fucking piss them off. I am an adult and I can do whatever fucking thing I want to do (though it really sounds immature but heck).
She said it was expensive.
I said I would pay everything myself. And yes, I said I was 21.
I didn't see their problem at that time (and I still don't). But that Friday morning I gave her the ultimate cold shoulder treatment.
She started her nagging again and went all teary-eyed, calling me ungrateful after what my parents had given and done for me.
OF COURSE I FELT FUCKING GUILTY.
But I went out of the house. Quietly. Still not saying a word. But breaking down at the flight of my stairs.
You must be reading this at this point and must be thinking, "OMG Shazi, grow up. How could you make your mother cry? You horrible horrible ingrate. You are the worst son in the whole wide world."
I know.
And that's when I thought of killing myself.
To 'ease' my parents' 'burden'. I felt so bad making my mum cry, I felt like my whole world was crumbling...
That's not the worst part.
Honestly, a part of me 'hated' them.
I would be lying to myself if I didn't say I was frustrated with them and wanted them to feel 'guilty'.
Sure, they 'pamper' me with 'everything' I 'wanted' but they never gave what I 'needed' the most- my FREEDOM.
I hated them for not giving me this freedom. Its not the first time I wanted to go some place; and its not the first time they 'shut me off' like that.
I really don't get it. If my female friend get to go to Europe backpacking with her girlfriend, WHY CAN'T I go to this stupid trip?
Tell me, is it fair that some of my friends get to go holidaying (of course with their parents' 'sponsorship') when I CAN'T EVEN GO ON TO THIS TRIP WITH MY OWN STINKING MONEY?
WHAT THE FUCK????????
I am still fucking pissed off. I hate them. I am still not on 'normal' talking terms with them (I would just grunt or just shut up when they talk to me and they would later give up trying). And they are so freaking nicer to me now. Especially my mum, pretending like all this never happened. And I hate all that niceness and attention - makes me feel so much worst than I already am.
I KNOW I'M LIKE THE MOST INGRATEFUL SON IN THE WORLD FUCKING WORLD.
And I hate that. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to rebel so much. TO GO AGAINST THEM FOR ONCE.
I want to dye my hair without telling them one of this days. And pierce my ear (left earlobe... no more right ear jokes...ass). They were against it a month ago when I suggested it to them. That would be a perfect way to rebel.
TO HELL WITH IT.
I am going to fucking piss them off. I am an adult and I can do whatever fucking thing I want to do (though it really sounds immature but heck).
So write in my tagboard and call me selfish or ingrateful or immature. I really don't care.
I just know I am going to regret writing this entry. But to hell with it.
This is how I feel right now. And I know, I can never hate my parents and eventually... I would 'forgive' them like they have forgiven me.
So I really couldn't concentrate on my exams at that time too...
I am so going to fail. And my weight dropped to almost below 50 at one point (no shit).
...
Thank God this week's over.
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